R,
One of the first questions the people here ask when they hear I’m married is, “Was it arranged?” They’re fascinated by stories of betrothals made by parents rather than the parties involved. When I tell them ours wasn’t what you’d call arranged because we knew each other from work, they find it far more romantic than if we’d been a Western couple who were expected to find their mates by falling in love.
Both observations are valid, but as with everything else related to India, neither is the entire truth.
Every arranged marriage is a love story. No spouse was picked out as objectively as an aborigine in a market. There’s always the “we first talked when…,” the “I knew he was the one when…”. There’s the poignancy of lives conjured and then abandoned, when matches didn’t materialize as anticipated. Nothing makes that heartbreak any less real than if the couple had been dating. There’s nothing pragmatic about people telling you they’ve found their match after years of searching.
Before B married P, she told me, “He’s not ready for a relationship. There’s still a lot he needs to work through. But I’ll wait, and maybe he’ll be ready someday. Even if he never is, he’ll be a good partner.” That’s still one of the best love stories I’ve ever heard.
As for love marriages, there are elopements and stories of forbidden love and honor killings. Often though, there are families who are informed of a potential match and asked for their inputs and permission respectfully. Though we introduced each other to our parents, they were the ones who arranged the marriage, interviewing each other and us to see if we were a cultural fit, matching horoscopes, and so on.
It feels good having families sign off on a marriage. Some well-worn prejudices aside, I believe they’ve the inherent wisdom to know when something is predisposed to fail, and they’re not shy about sharing their opinions. In a culture where marriages are a family affair rather than something between two people, it makes sense to have everyone involved weigh in.
Firangs say, “Indian marriages are so beautiful.” I have to agree.
-A.
One of the first questions the people here ask when they hear I’m married is, “Was it arranged?” They’re fascinated by stories of betrothals made by parents rather than the parties involved. When I tell them ours wasn’t what you’d call arranged because we knew each other from work, they find it far more romantic than if we’d been a Western couple who were expected to find their mates by falling in love.
Both observations are valid, but as with everything else related to India, neither is the entire truth.
Every arranged marriage is a love story. No spouse was picked out as objectively as an aborigine in a market. There’s always the “we first talked when…,” the “I knew he was the one when…”. There’s the poignancy of lives conjured and then abandoned, when matches didn’t materialize as anticipated. Nothing makes that heartbreak any less real than if the couple had been dating. There’s nothing pragmatic about people telling you they’ve found their match after years of searching.
Before B married P, she told me, “He’s not ready for a relationship. There’s still a lot he needs to work through. But I’ll wait, and maybe he’ll be ready someday. Even if he never is, he’ll be a good partner.” That’s still one of the best love stories I’ve ever heard.
As for love marriages, there are elopements and stories of forbidden love and honor killings. Often though, there are families who are informed of a potential match and asked for their inputs and permission respectfully. Though we introduced each other to our parents, they were the ones who arranged the marriage, interviewing each other and us to see if we were a cultural fit, matching horoscopes, and so on.
It feels good having families sign off on a marriage. Some well-worn prejudices aside, I believe they’ve the inherent wisdom to know when something is predisposed to fail, and they’re not shy about sharing their opinions. In a culture where marriages are a family affair rather than something between two people, it makes sense to have everyone involved weigh in.
Firangs say, “Indian marriages are so beautiful.” I have to agree.
-A.
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