To settle or not to settle?

R,

Indian girls grow up hearing about the princely groom who’ll ride up on a white horse and whisk them away to live happily ever after. While the horse will always be white, the groom could be any one of a thousand people whom she meets while her parents help her find the perfect groom. I think it’s only fair that she at least expect him to be a prince and not some random stable boy masquerading with a crown on his head.

Do you remember my friend, T? Her parents first started ‘looking’ for a groom when she was 21. I can barely remember what I was like at 21, but I’m confident I would’ve been too immature to know for sure what I wanted in a marriage. It’s always easier to find a reason to say ‘no’ to a match, than to feel confident about saying ‘yes.’ So T said, “No,” “No,” “No,” and then “No,” again, to sundry bumpkins and hopefuls.

It would’ve been hard to find a good match for her any way, she’s so smart, and ruthlessly funny. I’m not saying she’s egoistic to the point of no compromise (although I certainly was at 21), but she’s far from being the demure doormat that’s ‘perfect marriage material’ for most Indian grooms. They’d likely still have put up with it anyway, she’s gorgeous! She, on the other hand, didn’t see what she’d get out of marrying someone who was significantly less sharp than she was.

Glossing over several painful years of futile matchmaking, she’s 28 now. Cue gasps of horror from the Indian aunties and uncles, neighbors and passers-by. Is it just me, or does India have a collective biological clock that acts like a bomb counter ticking down as females remain unmarried past 25? 

I lost touch with T, but every now and then, we chat about the latest prospects thrown her way. She told me about a blatantly gay groom, whom her mother introduced, with the sage advice, “Marriage cures everything.” While T isn’t ready to compromise on that variable yet, she confessed that the longer she held off on marriage, the less rigid her expectations became. As she grew older, she no longer got the ‘cream of the crop,’ such as it was. This means a motley set of widowers, unemployed men, and outrageous dowry demands are thrust her way. 

“At this point, if I meet someone whom I turned down at 21, I’ll probably be mellow enough to think they’re perfect marriage material!”

It was funny, but also sad – what’s the point of wanting because you didn’t want to settle, if you’re eventually browbeaten into settling? It’s impossible for me to judge, because we got engaged at 23 (cradle snatcher!) – how am I supposed to know what they’re going through, and whether it’ll be worth it? Sure, we all have these grand notions of romance, but marriage is essentially about saying, “Ok, I’ve seen all there is to see and I’ll take this one.” 

So for those of my friends who are more pragmatic than romantic, maybe it makes sense after all. As for the rest, I hope they hold out until they get the fairy tale ending they want.

A.