Me & you, but mostly me

R,

When we moved to Canada last summer, I was like a kid let loose in a candy store. There were festivals and fun events everywhere I looked! I didn’t have a job yet, which meant I’d all the free time in the world to check out plays and food markets. I used to play a game when I made the inevitable small talk with strangers (Canadians are so polite!) – how many sentences could I get out before bringing up the fact that I was married? 

“So, what do you do?”

“Nothing yet, I moved here last week.”

“Oh, fun! Why Canada?”

… One sentence was all I usually got before having to say, “Well, my husband’s job transferred him, so we moved here.”

I don’t mind saying I’m married, obviously, or I wouldn’t have tattooed a ring on my finger. I’m just not used to marriage being the thing that defines me. 

I had a pact with a colleague, back when we were trading witticisms about wedding photos taking over Facebook (it was like a plague!). We solemnly agreed to never inflict couple-love photos as our profile pictures, or put up lovey dovey status messages, or basically act like the world revolved around coupledom.

I stuck to that vow, because said status messages make me puke a little, and want to tell the perpetrators to get offline pronto. And because I’ve about four hundred unnecessarily tech-savvy relatives on Facebook, who are progressive enough to get how the world wide web works, but not yet modern enough to think a husband and wife should display affection on a public forum. (“She ‘likes’ everything he posts! Chee, no shame!” Direct quote.)

I also find myself rolling my eyes when strangers instantly bring up their spouse/partner and then pepper the conversation with references to them in every sentence – that was mandatory at 14, still cute at 18, but really needing you to grow-up-and-find-yourself-please at 25. So I think what I hated about my new-to-Canada intro was the fact that I could be mistaken for one of those people.

When I make small talk with strangers now, I have a glib “I’m the x-y-z at ABC company,” to the “What do you do?” question. That’s clearly my new identity elevator pitch, but it’s no closer to defining me than the line I used before. It’s an even toss-up whether I’d rather be defined by you or by my job. Nearly three years into our marriage, I may even feel affectionate enough to make one my profile picture (I noticed afore mentioned colleague has liberally sprinkled her feed with wedding photos, and I shudder to think of the year ahead). 

- A.