If they plotted out growth percentiles for adults, both A & I would undoubtedly be in the lower digits. I looked it up, and we're each at least 2kgs short of the LOWER threshold of 'average' for Indians. And yet, yet, when they tell me the baby's small, I can't help freaking out. We had what I had sincerely hoped would be our last growth scan this week. Scans used to be something I looked forward to, but not any more. There's always something to keep an eye on. Nothing serious, just... let's keep an eye on this. Which is, in some ways, even worse.
The last time I had a scan, they said my fluid levels were fine, but dipping low, so to drink loads of water and rest up. This time, apparently my fluid levels were verging on high, so they wanted to check my sugar levels AGAIN. Also, despite eating my weight in proteins each day, and even treating myself to junk at times, I hadn't put on any weight. The baby had, but I hadn't. Where was this supposedly fantastic metabolism when I was an awks chubby teenager? My pregnant body's a mystery to me, honestly.
The doctor suggested eating cakes, bananas etc regularly if my sugar levels came back normal. Which, weirdly enough, they both did, and didn't. I was just slightly above the normal threshold... I'd had a bunch of dates with breakfast, some dairy before lunch, and pomegranates with lunch, so maybe that tipped it? It wasn't enough for a GD diagnosis, just enough to say let's continue to do low-carb, high-protein. I'm sorry, but I've no idea how to gain weight fast on low-carb high-protein with plenty of fluids & exercise.
But the one top thing that made me cry? Being told the baby would be small, and that being the case, may come early. Would I be induced? I asked. Or need a section? No, the doctor said. The vitals all came back normal, so as long as kick counts continued to be in place, she was happy to have me get to full term... but just, don't expect a big baby. As I said, I'm no giant. I was born at around 2.5kgs. I weighed 50kgs pre pregnancy. I'm 5'3 if I stand up really straight and exaggerate a little. So having a small baby isn't a surprise. But having him/her come early because of it would be. I really want to bake this baby safely for all 40 weeks. I ideally want it to come slightly late, even. And since my iron levels fluctate quite a bit during pregnancy, I'm always worried that the baby isn't JUST naturally small, but that I'm contributing to its size with my lack of iron stores. Again, I'm never anemic, just sometimes slightly low.
We had a tense moment outside the doctor's office, when my husband asked why I wasn't just resting more - the doctor had suggested lying down for two hours every day to see if that helped me put on weight. I completely blubbered at the idea that he thought I wasn't doing enough. He quickly backtracked because we both know that of course I am. I've been listening to all the mindboggling, conflicting advice from my doctor and from scans, eating what she says to, sleeping when she says to, jumping through hoops like a trained monkey - and each time, the advice I get is different. And there's no way to ignore it.
Let me put this clearly - I'm not suggesting my doctor doesn't know what she's doing. Of course she does. And of course she's right to warn us when anything could potentially be a red flag. It's just SO MUCH INFORMATION. And I take it all so seriously. It's exhausting. I don't even have a high-risk pregnancy. Monthly scans are a regular thing in India. I just really wish they weren't required unless something seemed off. It would have saved me so much stress.
So this week, I've just been worrying about pre-term labour, and Googling the heck out of SGA/IUGR boards, and reading plenty of blogs with women who have actual anemia. And they go on to have healthy giant babies. I hate meat eaters. They get their nutrients so bloody easily. I started breakfasting on two-egg omlettes this week, to see if that would help, even though I detest the taste and haven't eaten eggs in years. I'm eating a giant serving of oats every day. I looked up protein, iron, calcium and carbs in every single one of my grocery items and shopped for whatever would give me the maximum goodness. And now... we wait.
For the first time this pregnancy, I'm starting to feel really negative. I wish we hadn't done the scan. I wish I could just continue to look forward to a normal labour like I had right up to this point. I wish I wasn't already worrying about breastfeeding and reflux for smaller babies. Meh. I just want to be happy again.
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