Baby Loss Awareness Week

I read about Matilda Mae two years ago. Ever since, when people talk about babies, her face pops into my head. She is everything you'd imagine a baby to be. Gurgling, chubby, smiling. Full of life. Plump arms outstretched to embrace the world.

Not. Dead.

Baby Loss Awareness Week breaks my heart.

I read about the infants who should be here. Each one is etched into the hearts of those who knew them, but so few people get the chance to. It's unfair. It's cruel. I can't understand it.

I first encountered child mortality in a poem. And I thought - it isn't just the baby that dies. Hope does, too.

Over time, this cloud has circled closer to me, bearing down on people I care about. Friends have mourned, and fought to keep their marriages intact. They have battled depression, and moved on as best as they could. And through it all, despite the pain, no one talks about it.

Common wisdom says, "It will only make it worse."

Will it? Will it really make it worse to let it all out? Or does it just make it worse for those around the bereaved who don't know how they can help?

I don't know what to say. I can't begin to imagine the pain. But I do know this: a baby comes alive to its parents the minute they see two lines on a stick. Two months, six months, nine months after conception; one week, three weeks, three months after it's born. Some babies may not live among us for long. But we weave dreams of an entire lifetime for them the minute we know they exist. They can never be forgotten. Each was a person, full to the brim with possibilities and potential.

Light a candle for the Wave of Light this Wednesday. And remember the babies who should be among us, in more than just our memories.

Week 21: Growing An Indian Baby

It's festival time in India! Though we're not celebrating this year as A's grandmother passed away recently, it still means holidays from work, and time to visit with the (extended) family. It's a sad time to have to watch my sugar intake, there are so many delicious sweets and fried things on offer. And... sigh, the festival of lights is coming up, not to mention my birthday. A birthday without cake? I suppose I'll just have to console myself with a slice of cheese. It's a good thing I'm easily pleased.

It's been a rollercoaster week, with the Hyderabad vs. Bangalore debate rearing its head again (it takes a lot of zen-like calmness to start up a company - or to be married to someone who is!). We had the debate, resolved it after much talk, went house hunting, found one, and even signed the lease. In. A. Week. The nice thing is, in between all this uncertainty, that we went right back to the lane where we used to live three years ago... and while there were no empty houses in our old building, there was a beautiful 1,650sft 3-bedroom apartment in the flat right next to it. Our old maid offered to come around, our old neighbours are still exactly where they were before, even the auto drivers on the street recognize us! (As I was telling A, this is quite an achievement given he was meant to be using corporate transport, rather than autos).

We had a very happy run on that road, even though we only lived there for a year, right after we were married. So I'm looking forward to some sort of stability as we move back there over the next couple of weeks. It doesn't look like we'll be there any sooner, because our parents need to pick a 'good date to move in', by which time the house needs to have a stove so I can boil some milk first thing, again, for good luck.

Quite honestly, I find all the start-up and pregnancy related changes come more naturally than the changes involved with being back in India. We've gotten used to being an individual unit, unbound by traditions, and familiarity with a ritual is a different ball game from actually following it, with an audience of our families.

For instance, there was a lunar eclipse on the last day of my 21st week. This brought on superstitions galore. From 2:30 till 8pm, I was to stay at home, and, preferably, lie still, as looking at the eclipse (not that that's even humanly possible with the naked eye) could result in a baby with a deformity. I was also not to touch my face, belly etc, since this could result in birthmarks, cleft lips, and the like. At 7:30pm, I was to have a bath before eating/drinking anything.

For those who aren't familiar with Indian mythology - all these precautions are in place because eclipses are believed to be caused by the evil influence of Rahu-Ketu. Rahu was a demon who stole the nectar of immortality from the Gods. However, as he started drinking it, Surya & Chandra (the sun and the moon) noticed him, and informed one of the super-Gods, Vishnu, who quickly flung a weapon at Rahu, severing his head from his body before the nectar could go past his throat. The severed head, now immortal, angrily swallowed the sun. The decapitated body, called Ketu, swallowed the moon. They continue to do so at regular intervals, causing eclipses. The sun & moon always manage to escape through the holes in Rahu's head & Ketu's body, but in the brief intervals of darkness, Rahu & Ketu's inauspicious forces are at large. Cue ominous music.

There's more to the story, and it's all fascinating, but, more importantly, how do I feel about all this? It's complicated. On the one hand, it's easy for me to indulge people who believe this stuff on one afternoon. On the other hand, I can't help thinking how insensitive beliefs like these are. An eclipse is in no way responsible for forming your baby, and to suggest that a woman born with a so-called less than perfect infant could have taken precautions to avoid 'defects' is ridiculously rude, apart from being credulous. 

Not drinking or eating for 5 hours, on the other hand, could very well lead to dizziness, at the very least. That is how lunar eclipses can harm pregnant women in India. And Rahu & Ketu aren't the ones responsible, either.

...But I'm a chicken, and I stayed in, although I used the time to write, rather than sleep. However, this was just another reminder that I need to figure out boundaries before our baby's born. It's all very well giving in myself when I don't have to be anyone's role model, but I don't want to raise another generation that pleases everyone else just because it's easier to do so.

Week 20: Half-way there!

Our first scan in India! As I've mentioned before, I was worried the doctor would say there wasn't a baby inside any more, and I'd just been putting on weight because of all the yummy food I was eating. Fortunately, that wasn't the case. All continues to look normal, with the baby now weighing 330 grams (give/take 40) which is perfect for late in the 20th week.

The baby was consistently 3 days behind on all my other scans to date, so while a growth spurt is great news, it also makes me slightly concerned about the possibility of gestational diabetes. My mum was diagnosed with Type II which means I'm more susceptible. I've been cutting back on rice/sweets and upping the ante on my exercising since. The good news is that I was never particularly fond of either when I was in Toronto, so it's really only the last month that I've been eating 'Indian-style.'

My blood glucose levels in the first trimester always came back normal - but those were non-stress tests as we weren't aware of my mum's history then. They'll have to check a bit more closely in the next 4-8 weeks, especially given my recent rapid weight gain in India - I now weigh 56 kilos! Fingers crossed GD will pass me over... I don't have any of the other risk factors, since I'm 27, Asian, and at a perfect BMI - far closer to under than overweight. 

The scan also showed an anterior placenta; not of concern in itself as it isn't low-lying, but it explains why the baby's movements haven't gotten much stronger/more consistent, despite my starting to feel them fairly early on. We watched a movie in the theatre last night, and the baby was SO confused. It kept ramming at my front trying to get to the source of the noise! 

In other happy news, I think we've narrowed down a doctor. We've decided to stay in Hyderabad for now, and so we were considering 2 hospitals in particular. We 'auditioned' the doctors we'd been recommended at each, and finally came to a decision we're happy with. So that feels like a step towards permanancy in India, when everything else is still a bit up in the air - we're going to try finding a house etc next week.

Meanwhile, with an all-clear signal at 20 weeks, I'm finally telling the last few people whom I wanted to tell in person! Good times all around.

Week 19: Home Alone(ish)

This has been a quiet week. A's in Bangalore, and I've stayed back in Hyderabad. Getting on a night train four times in three weeks just seemed like too much... especially with the anomaly scan coming up. We haven't had a scan since week 13, so I'm (irrationally) anxious not to jinx it. He went and visited my parents and reassured me that all's well with my mum - or as well as can be. Fingers crossed.

I've been staying with the in-laws, who really do pamper me. I roll out of bed and am greeted with nuts and milk. Three huge meals follow, interspersed with lots of lovely treats. They spoil their grandchild more than I would - chocolate and sweets galore are passed on through me! The baby loves it, of course. It shoots around my stomach like a character out of Pacman afterwards. Ah, sugar highs. Always amusing.

In some ways, their home's really familiar. We moved a lot of our furniture there when we shifted to Toronto, so we now get to use 'our' dining table, or sleep in 'our' bed, albeit in a different house. 

Every time I sit in their hall, I smile at a very unusual center table. A & I bought it when I wanted us to have floor-level seating in our living room, and it's the single most expensive piece of furniture I've ever invested in. It's not even particularly practical (well, unless you're playing poker), but my God, it looked gorgeous in our house. Needless to say, the in-laws use it as a coffee table and sit on sensible couches, but it reminds me of the first ever house A & I set up.

For the last couple of days, the in-laws have both stayed home from work so that I 'don't get bored.' This is really sweet of them. I've been feeling a bit guilty because I've been on a writing spree where the world kind of shuts down around me. Hurrah for the mythical second trimester burst of energy, it finally seems to have set in!

... Mind you, it usually only arrives midway through the day. I've been waking up rather reluctantly. I go to bed at 10 and wait optimistically. I'm usually awake at 1, 3, 5, and 6. When the alarm goes off at 7:30, I want to throttle it. I don't do afternoon naps, so it's a pain when I don't sleep well in the night. I think the frequent wake-ups are because I'm wary about sleeping on my back. I start off on my left side, as prescribed, and wake up every so often to check if I'm still on my side. Oh well, if I get used to this routine, I'm sure I'll find it easier to wake up and feed the baby when I have to!

I've started venturing out on walks this week. I used to walk at least 3-4km in Toronto every day, but I haven't gone out too much since I moved to Hyderabad. That's mostly because we've been staying at the in-laws' place - I don't know the area too well, there's a TON of traffic (even for India!), no pavements, and, I hear, sidey guys. I compromised by going out before the sun sets, and wearing very conservative clothes. I can't say I enjoy the walks very much, but I'm happy to be out and about. The leg cramps I occasionally woke up to have disappeared.  

Next week, we'll hit the half-way mark! I look down at my stomach and wonder if it will double by the time we're through. I can't wait :)