Week 28: Hello, Baby!

I think I'm tired, but I just can't seem to (a) get to sleep, (b) stay asleep, (c) wake up, or (d) get out of bed. It's like a very weird episode of Rip Van Winkle here.

I can't help thinking that if I just pushed myself, I'd get out of bed despite the exhaustion. I put that hypothesis to test with a morning show of Interstellar - the early show was the only one which had tickets available on a special 4D screen. I managed the movie, but I draaaagged myself through the rest of the day. So ok, this staying in bed for an hour longer in the mornings (probably) isn't just me being lazy/self-indulgent then.

There was a bit more 4D in my week - our first ever non-2D scan! It was a freebie I snagged off an internet ad, in addition to getting 20% off on the scan. Remarketing is awesome. This was our 28 week growth scan, and our first one at the hospital where I'll deliver. It's the best scan I've ever done, and made me really glad we chose this hospital. First of all, they actually started the scan on time, instead of making me wait for an hour - that's a first. Second, they have a big flatscreen TV on which images are beamed, so that you & your partner see exactly what the doctor's seeing. And third, 4D! A & I chorused our amazement as Chubster 'smiled', waved, and rubbed its eyes.

The sonographer kept saying how cute & chubby the baby was (although it weighed the requisite 1.16kg), and that it seemed to love the camera. No idea where it got either of those traits from, certainly not either of us! We got some lovely snapshots to take home as well as a video CD - another first. God, I love The Birthplace. If you're in Hyderabad, I highly recommend it, pricey as it is.

I sent the pics to my parents and A's parents in the next five minutes. Mine were excited ('Ooh, it looks like a boy! It looks like YOU!' Not sure if there's an insult in there somewhere, but I'll take it!) while A's just didn't respond. Later that night, he called them, and they berated him for sharing them, since it could be bad luck. I'd had a busy evening catching up on work, but since they brought it up, I messaged my parents and announced my intention to send it to close relatives - and they emphatically vetoed the idea too.

How is this their reaction to seeing their grandchildren for the first time?? Indian superstitions are all well and good, but they inject an unnecessary amount of fear and just suck the joy out of everything. Neither of us takes our parents' reactions personally when it comes to this stuff, but man, you'd think they'd think twice before speaking. We certainly do. We tiptoe around their belief systems all the time, worried about offending them. It's a damn shame that no Indian parent returns the courtesy, or even considers doing so. 

The weird thing is they ignore the fears they SHOULD have. Such as the fact that eating 'for two' will result in an unhealthy pregnancy. Or that 'walking slowly' doesn't amount to exercise. While I haven't been eating more than I should be, I've been guilty of not eating my sprouts daily, or replacing my walk-for-exercise with my walk-to-work. So I'm currently freaking out about the blood sugar tests I need to take this week. While baby & I are both well within the accepted weight range, I put on more weight last month than I typically do - and the weight seems to have stayed on me, rather than making the baby fatter. So I need to take a LOT more protein to try to bulk it up, rather than myself. And meanwhile, there are the dreaded tests. Fingers crossed.

Week 20: Half-way there!

Our first scan in India! As I've mentioned before, I was worried the doctor would say there wasn't a baby inside any more, and I'd just been putting on weight because of all the yummy food I was eating. Fortunately, that wasn't the case. All continues to look normal, with the baby now weighing 330 grams (give/take 40) which is perfect for late in the 20th week.

The baby was consistently 3 days behind on all my other scans to date, so while a growth spurt is great news, it also makes me slightly concerned about the possibility of gestational diabetes. My mum was diagnosed with Type II which means I'm more susceptible. I've been cutting back on rice/sweets and upping the ante on my exercising since. The good news is that I was never particularly fond of either when I was in Toronto, so it's really only the last month that I've been eating 'Indian-style.'

My blood glucose levels in the first trimester always came back normal - but those were non-stress tests as we weren't aware of my mum's history then. They'll have to check a bit more closely in the next 4-8 weeks, especially given my recent rapid weight gain in India - I now weigh 56 kilos! Fingers crossed GD will pass me over... I don't have any of the other risk factors, since I'm 27, Asian, and at a perfect BMI - far closer to under than overweight. 

The scan also showed an anterior placenta; not of concern in itself as it isn't low-lying, but it explains why the baby's movements haven't gotten much stronger/more consistent, despite my starting to feel them fairly early on. We watched a movie in the theatre last night, and the baby was SO confused. It kept ramming at my front trying to get to the source of the noise! 

In other happy news, I think we've narrowed down a doctor. We've decided to stay in Hyderabad for now, and so we were considering 2 hospitals in particular. We 'auditioned' the doctors we'd been recommended at each, and finally came to a decision we're happy with. So that feels like a step towards permanancy in India, when everything else is still a bit up in the air - we're going to try finding a house etc next week.

Meanwhile, with an all-clear signal at 20 weeks, I'm finally telling the last few people whom I wanted to tell in person! Good times all around.

Is this real life?

If I were writing a novel based on my pregnancy so far, any sane editor would tell me not to have quite so much going on - it just isn't realistic.

First, I quit my job, and travelled around for four months - I was pregnant for three of them. Then, my husband quit his job because he wanted to start his own company. His grandmother died before we could tell her we were having a baby. We moved back to India, and are trying to get used to it all. My mother fell sick and had to be operated on. And lately, it seems like my in-laws are determined to have us stay with them until the baby's born - an idea that really doesn't fit in with our plans.

Yesterday, A discovered why they were pushing so hard. It turns out my mum's surgery had been more serious than they'd let on. My family and my in-laws had decided it was best not to worry us with the news - they had to remove a couple of her toes. 

They only told A yesterday, after she was well out of any danger. He tells me she's okay now. But how is losing two toes okay, really? Objectively, I know it's better than losing her entire foot. She can still walk, and she assures me that she's not in any pain. In fact, she's characteristically cheerful about it all. 

But she turned sixty this month. She still has a good thirty to forty years of healthy living in her. It's heartbreaking to think that she won't be able to run around as I'm used to seeing her doing. It's such an integral part of her personality.

For the most part, I'm okay. She is, so how could I not be? But I think of her playing 'ten little fingers' with my niece. I think of a wedding photo where my dad slid on her toe ring. I think of morning walks on the beach, and treks through bazaars doing ardent shopping. And I mourn those toes, despite never having spared them too much thought before this. 

On another note, much as I disagree with the families' decision to keep the surgery's outcome from me, I'm touched by how protective everyone is, and how eager to see that I'm taken care of. Despite it all, because of it, I'm reminded again how lucky I am.

Angrez chale gaye...

R,

Pro travel tip - fly on a Tuesday night and you'll have a near-empty flight. I'd three free seats to my right (with an aisle), and one free to my left. Oho. So great. I sat down comfortably and watched ten movies back to back, only occasionally interrupted by a screaming baby. Every flight has at least one, even the ones that leave on a Tuesday night.

Here's the weird thing - I didn't hear a single Indian parent on the flight talk to their kid in any language other than English. How did that happen? I get that the kid lives in Canada/Britain since it was a Toronto-London flight, but can English really be the language you talk to them and your spouse in ALL the time? It's kind of depressing, and all kinds of limiting. English doesn't have plum descriptions like 'tu baingain hai ki anda hai re' or 'podaaaanga' or 'plum,' for that matter. How can you ever fully express yourself?

It just feels like you'd instinctively respond in your mother tongue when surprised/angry... like in that Birbal story where the priest who speaks 14 languages with the fluency of a native screams out in Telugu when woken suddenly in the night with thorns (it may have been a Tenali Raman story, and it may have been some other language, but the point's the same)... but nope, even when a kid threw his spoon of food at his mum, she just said, "We don't do that, sweetie." 

!!!

Whaaaaat?

She didn't say it with the distinctive twang of someone who'd grown up abroad either. Is it just more socially acceptable to talk English in public, especially when you're outside India? Should that even matter one way or the other? 

I worry that could be us - not because we don't speak our mother tongues without caring who's listening, but because we have different native languages. Maybe I'll talk to our kid in Tamil, and you can talk to him in Kannada, and we'll both toss in some Hindi and some Telugu and a bucketload of English. It may confuse the poor thing (especially given my Telugu sucks), but I think it'd be preferable to only speaking English.

A.

Ever After

R,

Nothing makes me feel older than having divorced friends. It always strikes me how it seems to just creep up on you. Here are two people, getting into a marriage with the best of intentions, and all the optimism in the world. They’re affectionate and respect each other, both of which tend to be qualities which last a fair bit longer than romantic love or lust alone would. There are months of happy updates on travels and domestic harmony. Then, all of a sudden, there’s a radio silence, before the announcement.

Disagreements about money, babies, cities, professions, families, whether they really found the right person after all. It’s impossible to tell from the outside whether those are good reasons, or issues they could have resolved. Hearing about a divorce always makes me sad (and, I’ll admit, a tiny bit worried, because many of these couples seemed like great ones), but in a way, I’m so proud of our generation for having the courage to say they value themselves enough to get themselves out of an unhealthy situation. 

It seems far more mature than the alternative that Indians before this generation chose. My parents make such a great couple, but it occurred to me that that could have been a matter of chance. After all, when K was talking to my mum the other day, she asked, “What if the in-laws are terrible people who say I shouldn't work, and criticize my cooking, and my husband doesn't stand up for me at all?”, and my mother said, “Well, that’s unfortunate, but you’d try to discuss it and work it out.” 

Which certainly makes sense, but K persisted. “What if it still didn't work and I was worried for my physical safety?” 

“You’d still try to find a way to make it work,” said mum.

I’d like to think she was saying that because it’s theoretical, but we both know family friends who’ve stuck out tough situations without complaint for decades. It could just as easily have been my mum who ended up with someone who wasn't as perfect for her as my dad is. I’m not saying all these tough situations involved guerrilla in-laws or physical abuse. But who defines what an unhealthy living situation is? A simple thing like having a husband who took me for granted could drive me up the wall. I like the fact that our generation has the guts for both husbands and wives to discuss what they feel they’re due. I like the fact that we’re no longer silent. In 99 cases out of a 100, the marriage is happier for the discussion than it would've been without it.

Maybe a few generations down, we’ll have more live-in relationships and fewer marriages, or easy-come-easy-go attitudes towards marriage and divorce. Right now, though, despite the fact that I’ve more divorced friends at 26 than my parents have in their sixties, I think the state of marriage in India is getting to the best place it’ll ever be.

A.

The Descendants

R,

Saying we’re married feels very grown up, but the reality is, we lie in bed till 10am on weekends, eat lazily, bathe when we want, and act more like convivial  roommates than responsible adults. There are days when I feel like a student; but if your dad’s retiring, then that makes us pretty old ourselves.

It’s very easy to be in love when it’s just the two of us, and we’re fairly low-maintenance people to begin with. Add elements like a child and parents who need our support, and it all becomes very complicated very fast. I’m jumping ten steps ahead of myself over here, given that we’re not expecting a baby; two out of four parents are working; and all four are in good health with a reasonable amount of savings, touch wood.

Just because they don’t need us right now doesn't mean they never will. Even if they never need us, we may want to be closer just so they can watch their grandkids grow up. It’s a Hallmark-y idea, I love the idea of three generations getting to know each other. I enjoyed living with my dad’s father, and spending summers with my mum’s parents. It definitely made me a different person than I would have been with a nuclear family. It seems unfair to deny our parents & kids a similar experience just because it’s not required of us.

Two adjoining houses, or one big one? Which city will be have to live in for both sets of parents to be comfortable, and for us to have decent job prospects/local schools? Those are just the big questions. Much as we like each other’s families, it will be a radical change in our lifestyle. I think we may have to do some actual growing up at some point in the next three to five years.

-A.