To settle or not to settle?

R,

Indian girls grow up hearing about the princely groom who’ll ride up on a white horse and whisk them away to live happily ever after. While the horse will always be white, the groom could be any one of a thousand people whom she meets while her parents help her find the perfect groom. I think it’s only fair that she at least expect him to be a prince and not some random stable boy masquerading with a crown on his head.

Do you remember my friend, T? Her parents first started ‘looking’ for a groom when she was 21. I can barely remember what I was like at 21, but I’m confident I would’ve been too immature to know for sure what I wanted in a marriage. It’s always easier to find a reason to say ‘no’ to a match, than to feel confident about saying ‘yes.’ So T said, “No,” “No,” “No,” and then “No,” again, to sundry bumpkins and hopefuls.

It would’ve been hard to find a good match for her any way, she’s so smart, and ruthlessly funny. I’m not saying she’s egoistic to the point of no compromise (although I certainly was at 21), but she’s far from being the demure doormat that’s ‘perfect marriage material’ for most Indian grooms. They’d likely still have put up with it anyway, she’s gorgeous! She, on the other hand, didn’t see what she’d get out of marrying someone who was significantly less sharp than she was.

Glossing over several painful years of futile matchmaking, she’s 28 now. Cue gasps of horror from the Indian aunties and uncles, neighbors and passers-by. Is it just me, or does India have a collective biological clock that acts like a bomb counter ticking down as females remain unmarried past 25? 

I lost touch with T, but every now and then, we chat about the latest prospects thrown her way. She told me about a blatantly gay groom, whom her mother introduced, with the sage advice, “Marriage cures everything.” While T isn’t ready to compromise on that variable yet, she confessed that the longer she held off on marriage, the less rigid her expectations became. As she grew older, she no longer got the ‘cream of the crop,’ such as it was. This means a motley set of widowers, unemployed men, and outrageous dowry demands are thrust her way. 

“At this point, if I meet someone whom I turned down at 21, I’ll probably be mellow enough to think they’re perfect marriage material!”

It was funny, but also sad – what’s the point of wanting because you didn’t want to settle, if you’re eventually browbeaten into settling? It’s impossible for me to judge, because we got engaged at 23 (cradle snatcher!) – how am I supposed to know what they’re going through, and whether it’ll be worth it? Sure, we all have these grand notions of romance, but marriage is essentially about saying, “Ok, I’ve seen all there is to see and I’ll take this one.” 

So for those of my friends who are more pragmatic than romantic, maybe it makes sense after all. As for the rest, I hope they hold out until they get the fairy tale ending they want.

A.

Irrationality at Daybreak

R,

This morning, I woke up at 5am to see you off at the airport. (It must be love.) Then I realized it was -9 degrees out, and decided filmy expressions of love were overrated.

Ever since then, of course, I've obsessed over whether I jinxed your trip by not seeing you off. It’s a long flight, as all company-expensed flights tend to be, which means I've a long time to sit and stew. I realize it sounds slightly macabre, so let me put this in perspective.

All our parents’ friends are hale and hearty; their parents are only now calmly, peacefully, passing on. Meanwhile, in the last couple of years alone, we've heard of so many road accidents causing fatalities among our peer group.

The newly married groom knocked off his bike.

The father taking the bus home to celebrate his daughter’s second birthday.

People with their whole lives in front of them, wiped out without warning.

Errant drivers pay nominal bribes to any enthusiastic policemen who bother following up (who decides how much a life is worth?). Both parties get on with their lives. Meanwhile, the young widows left behind are looked at suspiciously by relatives who dub them unlucky. They get stuck in no man’s land.

Which unlucky parents would want to support their daughter beyond the lump-sum payment they dished out at the wedding? What devil-may-care Indian groom wants ‘used’ goods? She could live alone and support herself with her job, but let’s not delude ourselves into thinking that won’t invite pointed fingers and constant vigilance from her erstwhile in-laws, sundry relatives, and even the rare landlord who agrees to let out a place to a single woman. We may not expect widows to shave their heads and wear white saris anymore, but they’re often no less conspicuous in Indian society than they were fifty years ago.

I do realize we live in Canada where the roads are a hundred times safer – I joke all the time about crossing roads more slowly here because no one would dare deal with the lawsuits if they ran over someone, accidentally or otherwise. I’m not that great with math, but the likelihood of a road accident is probably one in ten thousand. All of which is to say that I’m not really worried.

You & I are blessed with parents who, I think, love us unconditionally for ourselves, as well as because I’m your wife/you’re my husband. When I hear about road accidents, I worry about the idea of my life without you. Even then, I’m aware of how lucky I am to know that that’s all I have to worry about. If only all Indian women were allowed that luxury.

Stay safe and call me soon.

A.